Me Time
HOW MOTHERHOOD CHANGES US
By Carol Harding
The transformation to motherhood changes not only our daily lives and
relationships but also our sense of connection to life in general. The
Indian philosopher and poet, Rabindrandth Tagore, described this
awesome experience.
"Where did I come from?" the baby asked
its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the
baby to her breast, "You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my
darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games. In all my hopes
and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother
before her, you have lived. In the lap of the eternal spirit you have
been nursed and nurtured for ages."
These poetic descriptions
of motherhood remind us-- as we change diapers and wash grimy little
hands--of the amazing cycle of life in which we participate as mothers.
However, the poets can't really capture the many changes that
motherhood brings.
Daniel N. Stern and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern, authors of
The Birth of A Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever
(Basic Books), described "the motherhood mindset--a deep, personal
transformation that changes the new mother's sense of herself. "The
birth of a mother," they wrote, "does not take place in one dramatic,
defining moment, but gradually emerges from the cumulative work that
precedes and follows the actual birth of the baby."
Based on
mothers' stories about their "growing pains and pleasures," I've
developed a Life Cycle of Motherhood. Although your own experience
throughout motherhood will be unique, perhaps you can see yourself, and
other mothers and mothers-to-be, within these transition periods.
Transition 1: Trying out expectations about motherhood As
little girls, we "try out" motherhood. In play and through family
responsibilities, we reflect how our family and our culture expect
mothers to act. Early expectations can have a positive or negative
effect on our actual experience with motherhood.
Transition 2: Entering the role of motherhood From
the moment we first anticipate our own motherhood, we take on the role
of mother, often acting--consciously or unconsciously--like our own
mother or other mothers we've known. Sometimes, "playing the role" of
mother feels like an act rather than a reflection of our genuine
feelings about becoming a mother.
Transition 3: Developing the mother/child attachment During
the first year of our baby's life, a psychological bond develops,
laying the groundwork for the baby's social and emotional development.
This attachment matters for both mother and baby, affecting the baby's
development as well as our own throughout the rest of our lives.
Transition 4: Negotiating the parenting relationship The
relationship that develops during childhood and adolescence is more
inclusive and open to change than infant attachment. We find ourselves
relying on partners (fathers, grandparents, friends, neighbors,
teachers, our child's friends) as we try to "mother" our maturing
child. The flexibility required at this time challenges our
expectations and earlier experiences of motherhood.
Transition 5: Establishing interconnections across time and generations Yes,
we do continue to be "mother" throughout our children's lives.
Mothering adult children serves a unique purpose. We are building
interconnections across our children's past, present, and future lives.
The challenge is to respect our children's wisdom while passing on our
insights, experiences, and family heritage.
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About The Author
Carol Harding is the Departmental Chair of Methodology/Human Development at Loyola University in Chicago.
