Products and Pointers
FAMILY CARETAKERS
By Helen Zelon
Whether you're headed back to work, the gym, or grad school, you
need help taking care of baby. Welcome to the complex world of
caregiving.
Caregiving spans a huge range, from occasional teen sitters to
live-in nannies with formal contracts (and worker's comp). And lots of
families tread the middle ground, relying on extended family for
help.
"It's one of the most wonderful gifts a relative can give," says
Marsha Blank, MSW, who runs parenting workshops in New York. "Everyone
benefits, as long as there's a feeling of love and respect." But
well-meaning family members may have ideas that don't mesh with
yours. Here's how to handle caregivers who do things you just
wouldn't.
Communicate your wishes Some of your parenting choices
might feel unfamiliar to your parents - or your in-laws.
Negotiating the differences can be awkward if grandparents feel
rejected by your criticisms. To balance things out, remind them how
much you appreciate their help. Thank them for respecting your
choices. Gratitude is a powerful motivation.
Give clear directions If your baby's on a schedule, write it
down. Try not to get hung up on timing - apple juice at 10:30
tastes as good as it does at 10:15. Instead, give Grandma a sense of
the ebb and flow of the day. Don't worry about micromanaging. Structure
is great where babies are concerned; Grandma will be glad to know what
comes next.
Review your expectations in advance If baby needs a
meal while you're out, make sure Grandpa knows which foods she most
enjoys. Take plenty of time to go over the basics: how to
prep formula or thaw breast milk, how to warm food jars or baby's meals
in the microwave. Be sure to leave prepared meals if you're
raising a vegetarian and Uncle Ted's a lifelong carnivore, and
especially if your child is allergic or has food sensitivities.
Comfort and discipline You pick baby up whenever he
cries, feed him when he's hungry. Your parents say you're spoiling
their beloved grandchild. Try to filter out 'free' advice without
getting defensive. Use humor to defuse emotional situations, and look
for less-stressful times to explore tough issues. Even though Auntie
Sarah may not agree, she can learn to respect your choices.
You're the parent. How you feed, comfort, and discipline your baby is
up to you.
Call in the cavalry Enlist help from your partner.
Plan how you'll respond to potential conflicts with family
caretakers. When expressing your wishes, speak with one voice and
back each other up.
Let go -- a little If there was ever a time to choose
your battles, this is it. You can't fight every conflict. Pick
the issues that matter most and let the smaller things slide. Try to
make caregiving easy on baby and Grandma and aim for a pleasant,
positive experience.
Make room The late Princess Grace of Monaco famously said
that the separation between mother and child begins when the umbilical
cord is cut. While your connection to your child may be the most vivid
bond of your life, remember that he needs and deserves independent
relationships with all the adults who love and care for him.
Learning to lean on extended family helps you, but it also helps
your child learn to connect with and trust the wider world. As he
plays, explores, and builds loving relationships, he's mastering the
emotional vocabulary he will need for future childhood friendships, as
well as for adult relationships. And you thought you were getting
a simple night out!
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About The Author
Helon Zelon is a regular contributor to Your Baby Today.
